Commando 12hundred and 50one (ICB0001)

Tired of always being polite? Can’t stop yourself from being an apologetic twat? Don’t have the balls to get shit done? The Commando 12hundred and 50one will solve all your problems! This great new product synergizes our revolutionary megaphone system and a regular hockey helmet (patent pending) into a handsome, streamlined protection and yelling device.

You say something to your wife like: “Honey, could you pass the ketchup please?” And ten seconds later you’re squeezing it onto your plate. However this approach leaves you drenched in the stench of weakness and allows people to think that they have an option.

Now lets try it with the Commando 12hundred and 50one strapped on: “Honey, could you pass the ketchup please?” turns into a much more effective and brutal “PASS THE RED SHIT BITCH!!”

Now you must be thinking, “But now won’t everyone hate me? Won’t some people retaliate unfavourably?”

Well shut the fuck up!

Sure people will hate you. But once they realize that its better just to do what you want instead of having irreversible hearing loss, your need for human intimacy will be filled with whatever else is available! And the helmet will protect you from flying objects you jackass. Win-win!

Here’s how it works: Once you strap the Commando 12hundred and 50one on your head, its brain-tecting autostart program turns the system on. When you speak, our highly advanced sound-listening device or “microphone” will transfer the information to the recalibration module. From there the signal moves on to the loudening, angrifying, and intellosizing chip, the heart of this system. All this is done in milliseconds before the signal reaches the megaphone and blasts your friends, colleagues, and loved ones with well-deserved rage and profanity.

Still don’t believe it works? Here are some rave reviews from our market research group:

“My wife left me and I lost visitation rights. I am not allowed within 50 yards of my children.”
–Matt Padd, Ottawa ON

“As soon as I put it on I felt a great sense of power and righteousness. I cleared my throat and I was amazed at how easily it got everyone’s attention! Now whenever I feel the need to clear my throat I don’t, because it isn’t every day you need to scream, “Shut the fuck up or I will rape everyone you love!!” This product has changed my life.”
–Gail Windstrom, Sudbury ON

“I used to hate changing my infant’s diapers. I mentioned this while around my baby and the sound waves severely compromised his brain function. Now all I need to change is a colostomy pouch. Thanks a lot!”
–Art E. Gzibut, Calgary AB

So invest in a life of protection and effective control! We guarantee it will work as advertised or you’re just not using it right.