Rigor-B-Gone Corpse Prying Crowbar (ICB0002)

Hey you! Has your search for new and exciting ways to have fun with DEAD bodies stopped at a DEAD end? Well buck up! You’ve got the RIGOR-B-GONE corpse prying crowbar!

Now you can shape your dead relatives into a whole variety of fun things!

“ I just jammed the crowbar between his legs and fashioned myself a good ole sled! Perfect for winter! Freshly fallen snow, and their necrotic frozen bodies can provide hours of fun!”

Or, fashion yourself a useful chair! Tired of standing? Then sit… on grandma! Or… a javelin! Use a simple knife to carve your dead relatives skull into a spike, and then, next time you go whaling… you will have an absolute whale of a time!

The patented “Corpse-ex” coating allows hours of use without rotten flesh sticking to it's stylized shaft.

Every crowbar unit comes with a corpse stand and storage unit for quick and easy cleanup! Pack late Uncle Joe away, and return to the fun the next day.

So order today! A lifetime of corpse related happiness is just a phone call away!

Act now and receive a complimentary roll of our very own Corpse Tape!

Sick of relatives dying? Not anymore!

Tape your relatives to their favourite chair! To the dinner table! Even to the ceiling for hours of laughs! Tape their eyelids open and enjoy a nice lengthy conversation with your favourite uncle! This time he will actually pay attention!

So let your morbid creativity loose, with Corpse Tape!

Testimonials:

“I always had these fears… anxieties of what I will do for fun when all of my loved ones were gone. Now those fears are put to rest! Just like my family! I don’t have any time to worry at all, now that I spend all my free time diddling with their dead parts.”

-Barnard Geherson, South Porcupine, Ontario

“I didn’t use it for fun per se, but I am extremely frugal when it comes to funerals. I simply used rigor-b-gone to shape my father into a form that would fit in a rather compact box, to save on costs relating to burial. I’ve saved a lot of money... money which has now gone towards paying the astronomical price of the crowbar.”

-Bob Hew, Pincher Creek, Alberta

“This was perfect for my last year’s Halloween party! I rigged up a mechanism to have my dead relatives pop out of the closet when people approached. I couldn’t have pulled that off without corpse tape! There sure were a lot of people dressed as police there though… convincing too… but they became part of the fun once I killed them and used them as part of the Halloween scenery!”

- Marlene Brandoe, New Glasgow, Nova Scotia

Commando 12hundred and 50one (ICB0001)

Tired of always being polite? Can’t stop yourself from being an apologetic twat? Don’t have the balls to get shit done? The Commando 12hundred and 50one will solve all your problems! This great new product synergizes our revolutionary megaphone system and a regular hockey helmet (patent pending) into a handsome, streamlined protection and yelling device.

You say something to your wife like: “Honey, could you pass the ketchup please?” And ten seconds later you’re squeezing it onto your plate. However this approach leaves you drenched in the stench of weakness and allows people to think that they have an option.

Now lets try it with the Commando 12hundred and 50one strapped on: “Honey, could you pass the ketchup please?” turns into a much more effective and brutal “PASS THE RED SHIT BITCH!!”

Now you must be thinking, “But now won’t everyone hate me? Won’t some people retaliate unfavourably?”

Well shut the fuck up!

Sure people will hate you. But once they realize that its better just to do what you want instead of having irreversible hearing loss, your need for human intimacy will be filled with whatever else is available! And the helmet will protect you from flying objects you jackass. Win-win!

Here’s how it works: Once you strap the Commando 12hundred and 50one on your head, its brain-tecting autostart program turns the system on. When you speak, our highly advanced sound-listening device or “microphone” will transfer the information to the recalibration module. From there the signal moves on to the loudening, angrifying, and intellosizing chip, the heart of this system. All this is done in milliseconds before the signal reaches the megaphone and blasts your friends, colleagues, and loved ones with well-deserved rage and profanity.

Still don’t believe it works? Here are some rave reviews from our market research group:

“My wife left me and I lost visitation rights. I am not allowed within 50 yards of my children.”
–Matt Padd, Ottawa ON

“As soon as I put it on I felt a great sense of power and righteousness. I cleared my throat and I was amazed at how easily it got everyone’s attention! Now whenever I feel the need to clear my throat I don’t, because it isn’t every day you need to scream, “Shut the fuck up or I will rape everyone you love!!” This product has changed my life.”
–Gail Windstrom, Sudbury ON

“I used to hate changing my infant’s diapers. I mentioned this while around my baby and the sound waves severely compromised his brain function. Now all I need to change is a colostomy pouch. Thanks a lot!”
–Art E. Gzibut, Calgary AB

So invest in a life of protection and effective control! We guarantee it will work as advertised or you’re just not using it right.

Interview by the New Alaskan Free Press

Earlier in the year, our newsroom was graced by one of the most exciting stories we’ve ever done. Two intrepid entrepreneurs with a flair for the esoteric have developed a brand new company. It was just recently that it was made public. Zacheroh and Ponyboy of “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Bread”.

NAFP Reporter: How are you gentlemen?

Zacheroh: Vigorous.

Ponyboy: I have several kidney stones.

NAFP Reporter: Uh… I am not sure that... well, it's just odd to share such a detail.

Ponyboy: You asked. I told. Unless there’s something about answering your questions that you don't like.

NAFP Reporter: No. Of course not. Now, I am interested by the entire concept of your company. Your design, your products, your slogan, all of it is quite organic… quite real. If you’ll forgive my broad terminology. Before you tell us what it’s all about, why don’t you share with us your background.

Zacheroh: Well, my full name is Zacherohgalupser, and I hail from a country now known as Urethria, A harsh and barren wasteland, not suitable for any manner of cultivation. We literally lived off the land. We ate dirt. I grew up in a dirt farming community, close to the country’s border. In fact, on the border, as my house was a semi-attached house, with a house on the other side of the border on the land of our neighbouring country, Vermeldin. This is how I met Ponyboy.

NAFP: So you were neighbours? Friends since birth?

Zacheroh: No, quite the opposite. In fact, in both of our cultures friendship between anyone, within our without, is forbidden. It was only after 15 years of life that we entered a partnership of any kind. We decided to throw out our culture’s ideals and move to Canada to start a new life.

NAFP: I strongly question the facts and logical basis of that story, but instead of enduring what will likely be a defensive barrage of nonsense, I will move on. So tell us about your side of the story, Ponyboy?

Ponyboy: My side of the story is completely opposite to that of what Zacheroh has said…That is, he’s completely correct, only that I lived on the opposite side of the border.

My story starts on that side, and opposite to where Zacheroh’s version comes from.

NAFP: Wow, I’m speechless. You two are quite adept at approaching my questions .... as if you are mental patients.

Ponyboy: Ah yes, well...‘twas a harrowing tale of visa applications, receiving said visas, and eventually smooth operating customs officials. Of course, that's what I would say if we had dealt with that. But we didn't. It's funny, lifes little redundancies.

NAFP: …uhh.

Ponyboy: And now were here!

NAFP: Ok, moving on to…

Ponyboy: Sorry to cut you off, but I’ve had a lot of coffee, in addition my usual regimen of self enema. Um, where do you keep your bathroom?

NAFP: What?…I don’t…this is YOUR house.... furthermore... bathrooms are not traditionally “kept” anywhere as they are built directly into the founda...

Zacheroh: Answer the question! You come in here with your “tape recording” device and your much presuming hair highlights, touting your “realness”. Its time for YOU to answer some “real” questions.

NAFP: You begged me to do this thing!! You threatened my family! You somehow... froze an entire horse and threw it into my living room!

Ponyboy: Ok sorry I’m back…[sigh] what a relief. I am pretty sure I fractured the foundation. Oh well, live and learn. Learn to evacuate your bowels another day.

NAFP: Ugh... that's truly... revolting... and if you knew where the bathroom was why did you ask me a minute ago?!

Ponyboy: I don't need this shoddy treatment. Who are you anyways?And aren't you going to ask him any questions? He's very important (pointing to box placed squarely between them).

NAPF: I'm here interviewing you! And that's just a cardboard box!

Zacheroh: That is VERY rude! He is not just a cardboard box!

Ponyboy: YEAH! Hes not just some box either! He started this company!

A note on the interview: Apologies to our readers. This is all I have for you from these…people. I am sorry; I just couldn’t finish the story. I had to leave for what I am being told to say are personal reasons. Thank you to Zacheroh and Ponyboy for sparing part of their busy schedule to speak with us.